Welcome to
Shlomo's Not-so Frum Humor
Gender Humor
"A person should never let his own smallness insignificance and humility cover up his true greatness. For sometimes a person downgrades himself to excess and forgets that he still has many amazing attributes. Siach Sarfey Kodesh 1-34
This page contains Gender based humor that I hope you will enjoy. No offense is ever intended.
Guys: How to Go Golfing
Four married Jewish men go golfing... During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will have the interior of the house completely painted by next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would get a contractor to build a new deck for the pool next week."
Third Guy: "Man, you both got off cheap! I had to promise my wife that I would have the kitchen remodeled for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him: "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. . . When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, 'Golf Course-or sex? and she says, "Wear your sweater"
The Unexpected Guest
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking about getting married."
Church of the Pigly Wiggley?
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple & a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church.
The priest said " We have special requirements for new parishioners, you must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed & came back at the end of two weeks.
The priest went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all priest."
"Congratulations, welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad, on the second week I had to sleep on the sofa but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations, welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the young newly-wed couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No sir, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks." the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" enquired the priest.
"Well, my wife was reaching for a tin of corn on the top shelf and dropped it." said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand of course, this means that you will not be welcome in our church?" stated the priest.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars
... Yada Yada...
Here's the truth!
Wanna Play House?
A little girl and a little boy outside playing. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" says a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
The Geography of Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
Oi Them Kinderling!
Mrs. Rappaport and Mrs. Caplan are sunning on the beach when Mrs. Rappaport asks, how's by your son?"
Vell i tell ya', mine son came home from kindergarten mit a gold star on his forehead, only A's in grade school only A's in high school and valedictorian, college all A's and valedictorian, graduate school valedictorian and today, he's the head of the AMA, the American Medical Association! And how's from your son?"
"Knock on vood, like yours, gold star, all A's, valedictorian, graduate school, the whole schmeer! Today, he's the head of the ABA, the American Bar Association.
SHA! don't say nothing! Here comes Mrs. Finkelstein, her son is a faygela you know!"
"Vell hello Mrs. Finkelstein. How's by you, how's from your son?"
Oy. girls, I tell you. Mine son. oy. I'm telling you. You know, he got kicked from kindergarten, he got kicked from grade school, he got kicked from high school, he got kicked from community college. So here I am, I'm crying because my son is no good. It's horrible. The he comes home and says "Ma, I'm going to beauty school, I'm gonna cut hair!" Vell, today he has such a chain of salons you shouldn't believe! 500 salons he has, coast to coast. He's a millionaire many times over. Now it turns out he has this brand new house! 35,000 square feet, you can't believe it! You need a golf cart just to go in the kitchen from the living room! And the granite! the marble! the glass! and chrome! I'm telling you!"
Well Mrs. rappaport just couldn't hold back one second longer so she says, "but too bad Mrs., your son, he's faygela. For vat he needs such a fancy house?"
Mrs. Finkelstein shrugs her shoulder and says, "Girls, you shouldn't believe it but he lives with the two nicest fellas you ever met, one is the head of the AMA and the other is the head of the ABA!"
The Geography of Man
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, Ruled by Nuts!
The "Right" to Gender Self Determination
Some Things Seem Impossible, Something Are!
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head...
In a booming voice, the Lord said "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is selfish.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking! I'd have to completely re-terraform the bottom of the Pacific. Let's see... I guess I could make a series of islands to link the sections of the bridge, or maybe I could just plant massive beams... but then, that could compromise the maritime currents I have set in place! I can do it of course, but it is hard for me to justify such work just to satisfy such selfish desires.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy
The Lord paused, then replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Self Abuse Issues?
Be Holy and Whack It Off!
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